All We Can Do Is Hope
by Chiddie
Summary: What if Santana really did have anorexia? Set in Season 1.


Brittany looks at Santana and sees that she's wasting away.

Literally.

Every time they lock pinkies, she can feel the bone through her skin.

Every time they hug, she touches collarbones and ribs.

Every time they do things in the dark that hopefully no one else knows, she feels the love of her life's essence slowly draining away.

She can practically see her dying, and she's terrified.

Brittany knows Santana more than anyone else. Part of it is maybe because she was _born_ to understand her. The other part is because Santana is most open when she's with her.

Brittany knows that her tough, untouchable bitch act is a front to hide away the scared, vulnerable girl she is inside.

Brittany didn't know until one evening in her bedroom how scared she was.

"San, you have to eat more. I don't like how thin you're getting. Like, I'm scared if I drop you, you'll break into pieces."

She waits for her best friend to answer. Instead, she hears noisy breathing. A thin arms grabs her and an angular face nuzzles into her neck, tears wetting the smooth, pale skin.

"Go—go—go—god B. I kno—know. Whe—whe—whenever I look in the mirror, I get s—so scared. Bri—bri—B," she whispers, "I'm a—actually scared that I'm going to die."

Brittany puts her arms around the girl and holds her tighter, noticing how small and fragile she feels.

"Then," she speaks into her hair, "why don't you stop?"

Brittany feels the sobs increase in strength. Eventually, it evens out, enough for Santana to say, "I'm just so, so scared B. What if I start eating, and then I can't stop. I'm so scared. I'm not sure if I'd rather die than be called fat, and that's what scares me the most."

She lowers her voice to the point where Brittany has to strain her ears to hear.

"B, I don't know what to do anymore."

Brittany isn't the only one who notices. The teachers and the glee club see it too, but whenever they try to approach Santana, she finds an excuse to get out or else gets into full on bitch mode and tears them down.

But they really do care.

So they approach Brittany.

Will pulls her aside after Spanish class. He asks, "Is Santana okay Brittany?" She doesn't know what Santana would want her to do. So she spouts something random people would think Brittany would say, and he tells her that she's free to go, not managing to hide the disappointment from his face.

Brittany feels disappointed too.

Mercedes sits next to her during glee and tells her, "Brittany, your girl was always a stick, but it's way unhealthy now. Tell her to eat more, 'kay?" Brittany just nods dumbly.

It's not like she hasn't tried.

One day, she sees Santana in her uniform, and even that's hanging loosely over her tiny frame.

She can't take it anymore. She's going to Ms Pillsbury.

She opens the office door and sits immediately in front of the guidance counselor.

"So Brittany, how can I help you today?"

Brittany doesn't know what to say. She's been playing the dumb route so long, but she can't do it now. So she says, "I—I have a friend. And I think she's anorexic."

Ms Pillsbury doesn't look surprised. "Your friend just doesn't know how dangerous this is. Tell her about the dangers of anorexia, and I'll think she'll come through. You can give her this pamphlet—"

"What if she knows that, but she can't stop?"

Ms Pillsbury looks flustered. "I—I don't think that's possi—"

"Thank you."

Brittany abruptly stands up and walks out of the office, fighting to control tears from leaking out of her eyes.

Ms Pillsbury might be a good person, but she doesn't know shit about counselling.

It's not like Brittany hasn't tried getting Santana to eat.

She goes to her house every evening she can, bringing leftovers from their dinner. She'd knock and would find out from her parents that she's asleep. She knows better. She'd leave and go to the back of the house, then climb the tree next to Santana's bedroom window. She'd find the window closed and the blinds down. She'd knock softly on the glass. No one ever answers.

In the morning she'd pass by with a container full of whatever breakfast mom cooked up. She'd ask Santana's parents again if she was there, but they'd say she'd already drove off to school. Sometimes, she'd wait at the front door and then see a familiar car drive off minutes later.

Sometimes, Brittany wonders if Santana's parents care. She'd remember feeling the love they had for Santana; she always knew they loved her, but it was always in a quiet way. So she brought it up, once or twice, but they'd always deflect with something along the lines of, "Oh no, she's as healthy as Uncle Rodrigo." This would silence Brittany and lead herself to think if they're in denial.

Lunchtime, Santana'd sit at the Cheerios table as always, with the excuse of having a big breakfast. Then she'd look at the ceiling or the back of someone's head, and Brittany knew she was trying not to eye their food.

One time, she persisted in trying to make San take a bite out of her pizza. Eventually, Santana excused herself and ran to the girl's bathroom. Brittany followed her and found herself listening to someone retch out the contents of an empty stomach. So she stopped altogether.

Brittany looks at Santana and sees hollowed cheeks and sunken eyes.

They were trying to come up with choreo for Regionals during glee, when Santana dropped to the floor. Hard.

Brittany immediately rushed to her side. The choir room was in a state of frenzy, full of oh gods and nos and what the hells. She couldn't take it anymore.

"For everloving fuck's sake! Someone, get their useless ass to dial a fucking ambulance!"

She placed Santana's head on her lap, and stroked her face.

"San," she whispered, "please be alright."

Tears were welling up in her eyes.

"San. I need you."

Of course her dad would be her doctor. After neglecting to see this, this was the least he could do. She hopes it isn't too late.

San's dad is talking. She can hear his voice wavering, forcing himself not to cry. At least he cares.

He is explaining to her about what happened, but they're in San's room and right now she can't hear him over the pounding of her heart as it tried to bring life to two instead of one.

Eventually Dr Lopez leaves, so Brittany sits by her bed, looking at her soulmate look so small and breakable amongst everything.

Brittany wonders if this would have happened if she was more forceful, if she decided to tell everyone to peer pressure it into her. She doesn't know if it would have been better.

The world slows down and all she can see is her best friend, her soulmate, the love of her life, trying to fight for her own.

All she can do now is hold her hand.

All she can do now is hope.

1


End file.
